How to Grandparent Without Oversteping: Dr Becky Weighs In

Meet Dr. Becky. She’s a clinical psychologist, mom of three, and founder of Good Inside, a parenting platform and global community. With a #1 New York Times bestselling book, a viral social media presence, and a chart-topping podcast, she’s helped a generation of parents become sturdy, confident leaders, so they can raise sturdy, confident kids.

I reached out to Dr. Becky because many Ajenda readers aren’t just parents—some of you are grandparents, too! But there’s little guidance out there on navigating this tricky life transition. How can you be that steady, loving presence without overstepping? What happens when you disagree with your adult child’s parenting choices?

Here’s what Dr. Becky had to say:

I don’t love the word mistake—it feels harsh and final! But one common misconception is thinking that adult children want advice. They might - and if they do, they’ll ask. More than anything, what parents really need is support. A phrase I’ve come up with and often used, “Feelings seek support, not solutions.”

What does that look like? When your kid (now parent!) is sharing something challenging or is struggling in any way, sharing things like, “This feels hard because it is hard,” “You’re doing a great job,” or “No one knows everything, it's okay that this feels tricky” can go a long way.

There’s a shift toward seeing “bad” behavior not as a character deficit, but as a skill deficit. After all, kids are born with all the feelings and none of the skills to manage them.

More and more parents today understand that we need to act like coaches: Teaching kids the skills they’re missing, like emotional regulation and frustration tolerance, rather than punishing them for not having those skills in the first place.

This is why many parents are moving away from things like “Go to your room!” It’s not about being soft or permissive: It’s about knowing that punishment doesn’t build skills, but a combination of firm boundaries, validation, and practice can.

First, honor how new this is—for everyone. There’s a new baby in the family, and the last time there was a baby, you were in control. Now, you’re an observer. That shift can be emotional. It’s hard to love so deeply, to care so much, and yet not be the one making the decisions. Acknowledge that to yourself. That feeling is real, and totally normal.

Then, lead with connection over being right. There will be moments when your adult child does something that surprises you or feels different from how you did it. You might feel the urge to jump in, explain, or correct. Instead, pause. Choose curiosity and support. That’s the difference between saying, “Why are you doing it like that? We never did that and you turned out fine,” and saying, “Oh, this is new for me. I’d love to learn more.” That second version builds trust and brings you closer.

I'd love to offer three steps here:

Step 1) Check in with yourself. It’s tricky to love a child so deeply and not be in the driver’s seat. That’s hard, and validating your own experience can give you clarity. Maybe ask yourself, "Am I reacting out of the discomfort of not being in charge here, or is this something that truly needs to be addressed?"

Step 2) Pause. Sleep on it. Wait a day or two. Time often helps us have perspective. Wait until you feel grounded.

Step 3) Connect. If after reflection, you still feel it’s important to say something, begin with connection: “Hey–first of all, I’m on your team. And I promise this isn’t coming from a place of criticism, it’s coming from care. I noticed something and thought it might be worth talking through together."