Low or Lower? Understanding Your Desire in Midlife and Beyond

"I don’t really want to have sex. I don't even think about it. But once we get going, I’m fine. I just never feel like initiating."

I hear some version of this from women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s all the time. Research suggests as many as half of women go through periods of very low desire, and it is especially common in midlife. Low desire at some point in your life is normal. What helps is understanding what is actually happening.

Desire and arousal are not the same thing

Simply put, desire is your motivation to be sexual. It shows up before the physical intimacy begins. Arousal is your body’s response once intimacy starts, through kissing, touch, and everything that follows.

Many women in this season find that their arousal response works just fine. It’s their desire that has gone quiet. That distinction matters, because "I enjoy it once we start" is a very different story from “I don’t enjoy sex at all.”

Low, or just lower?

When one partner wants sex more often than the other, the question I often ask is: Is your desire really low, or is it just lower than your partner’s?

Many women are convinced something is wrong with them, often because a partner has suggested it. But having a sexual desire that is lower than your partner’s is not the same as low sexual desire. In fact, your desire could be responding normally, based on factors we’ll touch on in a bit.

That gap, called a desire discrepancy, is common in long-term relationships, and it shifts over time. The lower-desire partner today may be the higher-desire partner a few years from now.

Look at the whole picture

When desire does change, I encourage you to look at three things: your body, your mind, and your relationship.

Your body is where I urge you to start, because it’s often the quickest thing to address. Perimenopause, menopause, medications, and chronic health conditions can all cause your level of sexual desire to fluctuate.

Your mind plays a role as well. Stress, fatigue, anxiety, and body image all affect desire, and so does the story you've been telling yourself. Many of us were taught that sex is something we do for a partner, not something we enjoy for ourselves. This is the season of life when we reclaim our time and our sexual pleasure.

Last, there's the relationship. Intimacy needs emotional closeness as much as physical closeness, and emotional safety is the foundation for both.

Sometimes not wanting sex is a normal response. For example, many women in perimenopause and menopause report vaginal dryness, which can make sex painful. And when sex hurts, it's perfectly normal not to be motivated to have it. Likewise, if there’s emotional distance in your relationship, or you don’t feel emotionally safe with your partner, it’s normal not to want physical intimacy. In both cases, your sexual desire is actually normal and working exactly as it should.

Three shifts to try

• Start with your doctor. At your next appointment, write "I have some sexual concerns I'd like to discuss" on your intake form. In the room, here’s how you’ll broach the subject: "My desire is lower than I'd like. What can we do about that?"

• Talk with your partner. Share this article with them, highlighting the difference between desire and arousal. Understanding that difference can help your partner see that when you don’t initiate, it isn’t rejection. If desire doesn’t show up on its own, it’s okay to plan for intimacy. A date on the calendar still says "I want you."

• Explore. Lubricant, a toy, or a different position can make sex more comfortable, and comfortable sex is easier to want. If you're single, this is your time to learn what you enjoy, on your own terms.

This season is yours

Your body is changing, and your desire may change with it. That isn’t the end of your sex life. It’s an invitation to get honest about who you are in this season: what you want, what you need, and what you deserve.

Desire doesn’t disappear with age. Sometimes it's just waiting for you to get reacquainted with it.

Dr. Tiffanie Henry, PhD, is a Licensed Psychotherapist, SAG-AFTRA Intimacy Coordinator, relationship transformation coach, and host of the podcast Fix Your Relationships. Her new book, Become The ONE: What If You Were Never the Problem?, is a 40-day guided journal that helps women own their patterns, nurture themselves through change, and evolve into the woman they were created to be.

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